| Go back to the message board |
http://blog.runboard.com/del_boy/| New Job | October 27, 2004, 3:14 am GMT |
| I've been head hunted, that is someone wants the contents of my head, not the head itself, that would be ridiculous. So what, you might ask, has a cab driver got to offer the world of business. I asked exactly the same question. The answer was, " your gobby "
hardly a favourable endorsement, but I respect honesty and anyway it's true. So my mate has a good security business, not physical security like "oi put that back or I'll wrestle you to the ground and put your head in my twenty stone armpits till the police arrive " more kind of telling businesses how they can best prepare for emergency scenarios and then walking them through exercises to see how it all works. BORING... So he needs me...there's only him and now he's off developing some super project with the government and can no longer manage his existing clients. His dilema? He trusts noone. Except me it appears. So now I have to go in to an office and answer emails and phonecalls using my posh voice, before I go out and fight the drunks to get them out of my cab on a Friday night. I'm getting business cards and everything...wow. I even get to think of my own title...I was considering, 'Operations Director' or 'Director of Operations' or ' Bluffing Pillock Who Doesn't really Know what he's Playing At' So if anyone's in the market for Bomb Awareness Training I'm your man. Actually thats a really good course. You'll be pleased to know I don't deliver it, I'm just the glue that holds it together...give it a month or two it should fall apart then... | |
| PalindromemordnilaP | October 16, 2004, 3:37 am GMT |
| SOOooo, why is it that the word used to describe a PALINDROME, isn't in fact a Palindrome? peculiar.
I mean windy works well for windy weather doesn't it. Sex is a perfect word for, sex. I mean it used to be called 'Sexual Intercourse' or 'Fornication' when men ruled the world and women couldn't vote...long words for sex. Then women had their 'lib' thing...which just means that they got mouthy...and suddenly they turned it into a three letter word...SEX. Like they were saying... " yeah right, sex should be a short word from my bloody experience, bloody men giving it a LOOOng name like it's a big long thing...ha ha ha ha..." and so it was shortened to SEX. That being the case we men should call it something else...maybe ' I'm looking at you but I'm thinking of your sister ' I can see it now, the X Factor has just gone off and she tears her arse off the settee and tries to sneak up the stairs without you noticing...but like a dog that hasn't been walked all day your sixth sense wakens you from your slabberous sleep and you run to the foot of the stairs panting...with the lead in your mouth....and say " are we going up for a bit of ' I'm looking at you but I'm thinking of your sister ' Oh yes that should get you a night in the dog house. | |
| DOGS...OH GOD | October 10, 2004, 11:30 pm GMT |
| Right as you all know, I'm moving soon, fingers crossed and should clear a few quid to have a little spend up. Although the way I'm carrying on you'd think I'd won the fucking lottery. There's allready a new car new scooter new furniture etc on the list, now today the wife has decided that we are DOG LOVERS.
Out of the blue from nowhere having never had a dog of our own, we have gone to how bloody brilliant they are and invaluable to a childs development, how they will guard the house and force everyone into being more energetic and taking regular exercise. How, "...they are loyal and companions for life oh please can we have one..." she say's "... actually I'm not asking I never put my foot down... ( yeah right ) WE ARE HAVING ONE. " note: at this point I am yet to speak. When I do, all I say is "...hair..." " Hair what? " " Hair fucking everywhere. "..." Thats what dogs do love, they grow hair and then to make room for more hair they drop the last lot on yer bloody carpet, in your tea and all over your bed" " what and you clean the house do you ?"she say's " bollix " say's I " exactly, we're getting one " getting all final on my ass. " OK, OK, OKAY we'll get one, just don't do the, your not getting sexed for three weeks untill I get me own way thing again...I hate that"..." and another thing..." say's I"...I'm bloody picking it... If you think I'm having one of those dogs in a bloody burberry handbag, that can't walk in the rain case its gucci coat gets wet you can forget it, were having a MAN SIZED DOG, do you hear me...don't walk up those stairs smiling like you've won something cause I WANTED ONE ANYWAY..." So now she's in bed, thinking the power of the pum pum strikes again. Well I'll bloody show her, I'm gonna get the hairiest stupidest smellyiest man sized anti woman dog on planet earth. Actually the idea is growing on me I quite the look of the Canaan breed. It's from Israel...wild dog thing.. but very loyal...to me, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha | |
| Death for 4 yr olds | October 7, 2004, 2:55 am GMT |
| Thats not like death to all four yr olds, I've not lost the plot that much.
What I mean is, what they think about it, death that is. Well my littlun say's to me yesterday as she's jumping up and down on my bed, as they do, with me still in it actually, "Dad whats dead?" I think to myself, here we go, its started, the never ending bombardment of unanswerable questions, coming my way. " what do you want to know about dead for?" "Power Rangers" she replies, as if those two words in that order are supposed to make me understand the workings of her inner mind. "stop bouncing" say's I "...and I'll tell you all about it " " No " " Well I'm not telling you then" thinking I'm in charge, " okay don't" she say's. Raises her arm and continues " talk to the hand" Needless to say I chased her out of the room with a smelly sock. But it's coming, any day now those difficult questions are gonna bug her enough that she is going to want answers. Do I lie to keep her innocence intact, or keep the promise I made to both of them when they were born, that I would never lie to them or let them down. Bugger, can't they just not grow up. | |
| God part 2 | October 4, 2004, 1:49 am GMT |
| OKAY...God doesn't exist, its cool, I got worried there for a while that maybe I'd talked him into existence in my mind, from whence he'd been exiled since I was about 10.
But luckily for me I just reverted to a tactic the church use when faced with insurmountable evidence for things they deny.... I lied to myself. So god can't exist because in my world, it's been proven that God was a hoax by the now famous Jewish student, Jacob lallyllayflujah, who as everyone knows stumbled upon a secret memo from Jesus to the disciples, stating that, ...the whole hoax thingy about God is going well and I think that the end of term crucifiction stunt should seal it for us, just remember to take me down guy's or I'll rise up and visit your sorry arses with all my might dagnamit... So there you have it in my world God doesn't exist. But what if he does? Will I be damned for eternity when I stand before him, for mocking his silly white dress and ridiculously out of date beard. Which of course I have done on several occasions. I mean if I was God I'd portray myself with a bit more panash. The whole robe and sandals thing was probably causing the ladies to have hot flushes back in the day, but now he's just coming across too, well...religious. No if I was god I would have someone discover some new gospels in Hyde Park, that depicted my lordyness in maybe a little Italian suit, three buttons, 5 inch side vents. Maybe a gold mohair suit with red silk lineing..yeah cool.What is the point in being God if you can't get a decent suit. I mean it's not like he's on a budget like the rest of us. And whats his music taste like, is he off his rocker, I mean golden throne. I'm off to turn up my RnB, or blast him up some Coltrane maybe or some Marvalletes, perhaps he swings to different beat baby, maybe the lord of all things digs reggae, yeah its late and quiet outside so if I turn it up loud enough he should hear it. Hey God listen up, its the Skatalites. Get your wash board out and jam with us you non existent excuse for a way out of difficult to explain personal issues relating to a sense of loss and loneliness. whoopitup. | |
| God. | October 4, 2004, 12:37 am GMT |
| God made man in his image, apparently.
Man evolved from apes, or fish even, if you take it way back then errrm, plankton like stuff with no brains and more importantly no back bone. So does it follow that possibly God is an Ape or a fish. I think it more likely he is the spineless thing that just sucks the life out of other things that don't know he's there. What are they called again...oh yeah parasites. NO...wait a minute, I say hold on there...I started this thinking there is no God, obviously, but my, God relates to pre man evolutionary line thing, has sparked another thought that could actually prove that GOD EXISTS. I'm quite pissed off with myself now, because having thought it through my argument means that, now stay with me, God created man in his Image. Man did not pop out of nowhere, we have an almost intact timeline of development, from the earliest known life right through to modern man. If we therefore go back beyond earliest life, we know that everything in the universe came from the big bang, which is in fact a result of some yet unexplained energy overload thing. So Man evolved from pure energy. God made man in his image, ergo God is pure energy. The source of all life. OH my fucking God, I've just accidentally stumbled upon a theory that I can't shake off as unworkable. I prefer the churches hillarious version it's easier to pull to pieces. Now I'm scared, I may need to go and lie down and think about this.... Back later. | |
| Interesting things. | October 1, 2004, 5:38 pm GMT |
| Right... eerrrmm... right then... oh bollocks I can't be arsed.
Maybe I'll think of something interesting to write about later. Maybe if I went out more instead of sitting here trying to write interesting things, then more interesting things would happen to me, therefore giving me more interesting things to write about. But when would I find time to write them up, if I was out having all this fun. I think I'll have to sit here and make up interesting things that might have happened to me had I gone out more, in search of interesting things. Right... I was out just now washing my car... err actually nothing interesting happens when your washing your car does it. No, cancel that. I was out just now with one of the surviving Small Faces, I know it was him cause I was playing their records in my car and he came over and said " oooh I was in that band...do you think its any good..." and I said "no actually I think its a pretentious load of old bollocks..." "call yourselves Mods your nothing but a bunch of..." to which he replied " oh well bugger off then you twat..." I told him " no you bugger off you little pencil dick knobber, I was here first you came over to me remember.." anyway we ended up having a row and afterwards we were best mates...amazing. I've since told him I was only joking and actually I love the Small Faces. Now he's a regular at my house for Sunday dinner, he doesn't like lamb though...I must find out what his name is. That really did happen. | |
| House GONE !!! | September 10, 2004, 3:18 pm GMT |
| I've finally sold my house today, I say sold, all but the four to six weeks worth of nail biting hoping that they won't find a hidden mine under the fucker, or the buyer dies a terible death, eaten by zombie estate agents after taking a wrong turn down the alley by the bakers. Barring all that it's sold, gutted, it's only taken 9 months I realy wanted it gone, and now I'm gutted. Oh well bye house. I intend to have sex in every room before I go, preferably with the wife. But I can work on my own there if I have to. | |
| I could be psychic, or is that a side kick | September 7, 2004, 4:00 am GMT |
| I think I'm psychic.
I left for work today with my wife's bar of chocolate, which tasted rather nice incidently, and after about ten minutes I had this feeling that she would ring me at some point during the day extremely angry. This came to pass. I also saw an image of myself doing my own dinner, which I never do, this also came to pass. Should I seek professional help. Oh!!! you can't answer that can you. Its a Blog. | |
| Note to self... | September 6, 2004, 1:36 am GMT |
| If you say to the wife, " yeah I'll dig up the old dead grass and turn it over and lay new grass...yes today... yes all of it."
Don't then go to your friends all afternoon, the flicks in the evening, leaving her to put away the unused tools and expect to get pum pum when you get in. If you insist on this style of relationship management, you will be sitting at your P.C on your own for most of the night. | |
| Copyright © Datahit, 2002-2005 | Terms of service | Privacy policy | Support | FAQ | Feedback | Link to us | Blogs | Hall of Honour |